


Updog

by Davechicken



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-27 15:04:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8406313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: Kylo gets bored easily.





	

This is so unprofessional. It is.

Okay, it isn’t getting in the way of their duties, and no one on the deck below can tell what they’re talking about, but it feels a little treasonous all the same. For all the troopers know, they’re discussing tactics. They’re assessing the squadrons. They’re working.

She kind of is, but Kylo isn’t. He stands beside her, immovable and stoic, except for the words that burn like acid from his mask.

Practice keeps them both unreadable in posture, and no one can hear them talk.

“The one on the far left. You see?”

A nod.

“He thinks there’s cameras monitoring his toothbrushing. They told him you assess that as a way to pre-select potential promotions.”

“He believes it?”

“He’s not sure, but he doesn’t want to risk it. He makes sure he times himself and doesn’t vary his pattern.”

“Where did that superstition get in?”

She knows he’s to blame. He’s been doing social engineering of his own, and only now they’re close does she understand some of the quirks and rituals Kylo has instilled in her troopers.

None of them are harmful, so she can’t be wholly angry, though a part of her wants to defend them all the same from his bored mischief.

“That team… The ones who sharpshoot? They recite a haiku as a spell to guarantee accuracy.”

“…haiku?” she asks.

“It’s a form of poetry.”

“I know that, but…”

“They miss so often that they will do anything.”

“They do not miss.”

They do. She does wish the scores were better. Haiku. Does it help? Do they feel better about their skills if they follow these magical patterns and mantras? Should she be encouraging it across the board?

“Those ones,” he nods, “…will only eat blue desserts the day before they deploy.”

“…blue…”

“Red food means blood.”

“But blue?”

“…to remind them of dead Jedi.”

“…Kylo… why have you done this?”

“It helps.” He was bored.

It’s really just…

“You should see what I did to Hux’s men.”

“…does he know?”

“Absolutely not. He has no idea why everyone starts humming marching songs when certain words are mentioned. Or why no one can pronounce ‘schedule’ right. Or why the file structure keeps changing every two weeks and ruining his desktop shortcuts.”

“…are you trying to drive him crazy?” She really shouldn’t laugh.

“On the contrary, I keep everyone sane.”

“You’re wicked.”

“Dark Side,” he reminds her. “Try to ask the system about Updog sometime.”

And that is the last straw. “That was you? I thought that was one of the officers.”

“Just wait until I change the ship-wide fonts for one slightly too blurry.”

Phasma is in awe. “I can’t wait.”


End file.
